you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
