Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We're using joints as your birthday candles
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
