So drunk its hurt
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
