Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
my shit smells like andre
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
