I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
