ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
