Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
