He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
