I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
