I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
