he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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