haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
