just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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