cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
