When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
