never play flip cup with pint glasses
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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