Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
