It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
