I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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