She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Panties = found
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
