My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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