people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize