I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
