if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
this beer tastes like vomit already
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
