No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
