Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
