Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
