please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
