i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
