Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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