why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
