The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
