one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
