There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
