I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
