i wish my penis had a tongue
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
