the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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