I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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