I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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