while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
