Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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