my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
