just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
