You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
