"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
