I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i drank out of a bidet.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize