I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize