dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize