Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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