his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
