I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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