who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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