and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
This is not my ceiling
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
