you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
