I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
