Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
