Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
