i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize