Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
