I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
